Sally's Story

Talk about Sally's story here

Sally -- This is very strongly written; tight and focused. The world you've created is well delineated and the relationships feel right. The dialogue is sharply written and flows very well.

My only note is that I feel like you've played the Mayflower card too soon. I think the Martians would call the ship by another name since I don't think there would be much to identify the Mayflower. The computer interfaces would likely be incompatible, and the language aboard the ship would seem foreign or archaic. Also -- and this is my fault because this happens in my story -- there would be no external markings on the Mayflower indicating its name. The main section of the ship (with all the colonists) was jettisoned on Elpis (explaining the crash that brought the Elpins to Elpis in Steve's story) and the engine section is the only part of the ship that left Elpis.

Also, why would the crash site be a dead-end assignment? It's practically a UFO crash site, right? I would imagine it would be a high-profile news item. If not, then it was probably covered-up by the Martian government ... which would make the assignment even more important.

The next part deals with a lot of stuff I've yet to reveal to the group ...

I think having the crash site be five years old leaves a long period of time that needs to be explained in terms of the whereabouts of the survivors. Especially given that they would likely have died from the infection within those five years -- whether by the sickness itself or killed by the Martians because of the violence they exhibited upon their waking. And not all of those who escaped Elpis are infected. We would need to catch up with their whereabouts ... if not in your chapter then in the concluding half on the novel.

I think the discovery of the Mayflower should be fresh. Maybe it's a dead-end assignment because it's assumed that it's just an old derelict ship that fell from the sky. Maybe it's a derelict ship in Martian space but close enough to the asteroid belt that the Martian government wants it stripped before the miners can get a hold of it. Regardless, a fresh discovery opens up more mystery to be explored. An old site may not have the same kind of momentum that could propel the plot. Of course, I don't know what's up your sleeve and I could be completely wrong about the potential of an old site.

Overall, however, this "rough draft" is incredibly strong. I think we just need to figure out the fate of the Mayflower survivors.

Eugene, I hadn't realized it until after reading your post; my "teaser" cuts off before the reader learns that Dason's group never ends up at the Mayflower assignment. They get diverted to another plant failure. That is where Dason solves the gravity well issue (connecting it to the title of the story). This chapter may only set up the Mayflower for a later playground visit.

Random: ( White chocolate bunnies are the best!)

I agree with everything Eugene said, including all the positives and the fact that the two of you will need to figure out the details of the Mayflower crash (even if your story doesn't specifically take place there). The dialogue is excellent for the most part, although the scene with the two admins came across too much as what it really is: exposition. I definitely think you need to be a lot less "on the nose" there. Leave it a little mysterious and let the reader figure it out along with Dason. It's just way to convenient that they happen to be spilling major secrets about the Mayflower as he's walking by them on his way to start his assignment investigating the Mayflower crash site. They (whoever "they" are) say you're allowed one major coincidence in a story without losing your audience, and this can be it... just don't make it so obvious.

Also, is there a reason almost everyone is blond and tan? If there's some payoff later, then it's fine, but it seemed kind of repetitive unless you're going to tell us why.

Overall, you're off to a great start.

I have left glowing comments on BoxNet! Wonderful beginning! I am totally enamoured with it all.

I don't have a problem with anything being "off" as far as what people look like, it is after all, over 1300 years in our futures, after all! Any human or humanoid living on another planet can look or take on characteristics way out of our 'norm' in our current here and now. I, for one, welcome quirks and odd usage of description, whether it be in look, actions, or language. It's what makes Science Fiction...Science Fiction.

I agree, this is a very strong first draft! Beautifully written and well thought out!

I didn't mean that it was "off," only that it stuck out to me. Because of that, it appears to be a setup for something later. What I'm saying is that, if something seems like a setup and then it doesn't pay off, readers will feel like something is missing, even if they can't put their finger on it. If I'm not mistaken, every character except Jaan's assistant was described as blond and/or bronze-skinned (i.e. tan, not naturally dark), which should have some kind of explanation behind it considering all current projections that I've ever seen say that the human race will eventually mix (for the most part) and become overall darker-haired and darker-skinned because those are dominant genetic traits. If 90% or more of the Mars colonists have blond hair, then I would assume there is a reason behind it and would expect to eventually discover what that reason is somewhere in the story.

Of course, there are many other explanations, including the fact that Sally may not have even realized she was doing it. Either way, I thought I should point it out. I don't see it as a stylistic choice or a sci-fi thing, but rather a story issue.

And, Sally, white chocolate rocks!

Hi from Cape Coral, Florida!! I'm here on my nephew's computer for a quick drive by of the forum.

Chris, all your comments are good and helpful. Thank you. The Admin scene was added at a later point, to accommodate DG's bullet point list my story needed to include.

I will emphasize that I posted a rough draft. But I wanted to post something before disappearing for a week. Those comments will help in shaping the drafts to follow.

Thanks!!

What you have so far is great. It reminds me quite a bit of the beginning of Aliens, which is a good thing. I can really see the characters and the story has a good feel to it.

I still think the conversation about Mayflower mutants by the guys outside the admin building right after Rex gets the assignment is a little too coincidental (mostly the timing of it), and also too "on-the-nose."

Are you going to keep the section numbering and titles? I don't have a problem with them, I'm just wondering if our chapters should be structured the same way on this project since it's going to be much more cohesive than the other two.

Like I told Trib, I know it's not copyediting time yet, but it might save him some work if we fix things now rather than later. So I'm going to point this out only because it's fresh in my mind:

- "On Mars, a child received their first name from their parents, but their second came from where they lived." Child should be changed to children, or their and they should be changed to he, she, or "he or she" and "his or her."

Thank you for the input, Chris.

Aliens? Really? Confession: I never saw it. I'm such a whimp. Couldn't stand creepy things jumping out at me and all that screaming.

I will make a note to revisit the Admin conversation after a later scene with the same meds is fleshed out. You're right, I do want to make a connection, but I don't want to give away too much up front. Thanks.

Numbering and titling was my effort to organize my scenes and plot development. I don't plan to keep the numbering.

We'll be interweaving the storyline scenes eventually, so I imagine most presentation editing will happen during that process.

RE: Child/children. My husband hates me calling the children "kids." I have no idea why it bothers him, but your comment makes me wonder: maybe calling them "children" could save me trouble all around.

Never seen Aliens? Wow...you should check it out some time and cover your eyes during the scary parts. Most of the movie is just really good sci fi. A bunch of Space Marines go with Ripley and this corporate-type guy to find out what's going on out on a planet they've lost contact with.

I figured the numbering/titling thing was just for your own benefit, but I wanted to check just in case.

The child/children thing is just a singular/plural note. Not a big deal.

Keep up the good work.

Hi Sally -- I was wondering how much the Admins know about what's on the Mayflower. I think it would be irresponsible for them to send Dason's team if they knew what was on the ship; they're just not equipped to handle a bio-hazard. Your story implies that they know quite a bit; why else would they rush Dason to get there unless it was really, really important? And why would the top-secret Mars group know so much about the virus? Unless they already knew about it before Dason's group found the vials.

So, if the Admins don't know what's on board, then there's no rush to go to the Mayflower.

If the Admins definitely know what's on the ship (or even suspect that it's potentially bad), then they shouldn't be sending Dason's team in. (And Dason shouldn't feel bad about the situation; he should be blaming the Admins. And if he knows that the Admins knowingly sent him and his team into a dangerous situation, why would he join a top secret government organization?)

(I'm sure there's a middle ground you're going for).

I'm just confused about who knows what.

And I'm also curious why the top secret group recruits Dason. Is it for his actions with the EMP near-disasters? Or is it connected to his involvement with the Mayflower?

That said, the writing and language is strong, and I'm very much looking forward to a complete draft.

Thanks for your input, Eugene.

Dason's believes his friend, Jaan Corwyn, is an offworld information pirate. In truth, Corwyn serves in Mars' Special Corps (as you've mentioned). His pirate persona is a cover. But Dason and Jaan do have a genuine history in Pomo. For this reason, Jaan has a soft spot for Dason. He's watched him and has even helped him.

But while Jaan has influence in high places, there is a sabatour he is trying to catch. (We've talked about the mafia or other secret group dealing with the scientists.) Jaan is not all knowing. He follows the actions of Admins in hopes he'll find who's behind the EMP failures and virus. Don't confuse this to him being fully connected to Admin. He still functions on a covert level.



I reworked that Admin scene CV mentioned above. It holds a lot of keys to what you're saying. The complete picture of Mars' balanace of powers is being revealed, one layer at a time. It most likely won't be fully uncovered in this first book.

Here's that rewritten scene (notice, I changed mentions of The Mayflower):

3. WHITE COATS AT SYRTIS MAJOR

Once outside Rex’s office, Dason spewed a few unfavorable words. Who was he kidding? All his life he’d tried overcoming the stigma of being a Pomo. He’d kept his resume clean and worked his butt off. This was his repayment — Borealis.

He heard a group of Admins walking down the corridor and instinctively ducked into the alcove of Rex’s door. Bad habit, he chided himself. But it was too late to show himself without raising suspicion.

“But they’re earthlings!” he heard a nasal-pitched man exclaim.

“They’re the Eastern Alliance,” a second, lower voice corrected.

Dason held his breath as the group drew nearer.

“We’re doing it for Mars, for the sake of humanity,” a third stated.

“The entire galaxy will be in orbit if we concede to any of them over Vestitas — ” the first one said before being interrupted.

“Shh,” the second voice scolded. “That’s enough. We shouldn't be talking out here.”

Three figures strode past Dason in silence. All wore white coats. Dason frowned. Interplanetary politics was an odd topic for meds. But odder still was their mention of Vestitas. It had to be the same Vestitas Borealis he’d just been assigned to.

He watched until they disappeared around the corner, then pulled out his COM device. Not risking the chance of being overheard, he kept his voice low. “Raise, Jaan Corwyn,” he gave the voice command. If he was going to be stuck in Vestitas Borealis, he may as well uncover any dirt on this ship.

With the request made, he pocketed his Iris and headed for the gravity-training pod. “Replacement, please be a good one,” he mumbled. Then it hit him. Why hadn’t Rex mentioned who the bio-specialist was? Great, his day had already been a steady spiral downward. Why did he have the distinct feeling his replacement wasn’t going to make it any better?

Looks and sounds good. Jaan's involvement with the Special Corps makes his story interesting indeed.

I'm still curious about how much the Mars government knows about what's going on, and if they're aware of what they're exposing Dason and his crew to. Based on the passing comments of the Admins, it's obviously very important. If so, why send Dason, especially when there's such discrimination against Pomos and there's probably more qualified people to lead such a mission? This doesn't need to be explained or cleared up in the story. I'd just like to know how Dason's story fits into the political intrigue of the book.

The scene is much better now.

I'm happy to say this chapter is coming to a close. (While I love to write, it is hard work.)

Hovering around 10,000 words, I'm tying the last few scenes together.

After that, there's editing. I anticipate a good deal of continuity checks, rewording, etc. But I'm happy to say I'll have something to bring to the chopping block soon.

BTW, I couldn't help playing around with a possible continuation. Eugene mentioned his curiosity about how Dason's story plays into the political scene. I imagine Admins that send Dason know what's on the ship now (due to being informed). They send Dason and a few others as expendable. But, Jaan is following the event from a different angle. That means that the Admins that sent Dason think they are acting in the best interest of Mars, but aren't being out front about how their handling things.

Here's a scene for future writing:

LATER STORY TID-BIT

DASON DISCOVERS HIS BROTHER IS STILL ALIVE

After a physically taxing mission, Dason returns with more information than he bargained.

Mica’s alive. Dason was in shock when he saw him on a special ops mission. It almost blew his cover, but Mica pushed him on the transporter with the hardware (or item he was sent to secure ... maybe to recapture the VIALS!!) and sent him away before the others arrived.

Shock turns to anger when he arrives in the Gaius transport room. He gives the item in his arms to a guard, swaggers off the pad and punches Jaan.

Jaan’s men jump on him and pin him down.

“You knew!” Dason said through a hoarse throat.

Jaan wiped the blood from his mouth and signaled for his men to let Dason go and leave.

They pushed him to his knees and left.

Panting from the struggle, Dason rasped, “You knew all along. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Certain they were alone, he relaxed his front. “I couldn’t. And he didn’t want me to either.”

“You’re lying.”

“No. Remember that science project he built? It succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. The first trans-spatial transport of its kind. To make a statement, he showed up at Syrtis Major, right in Admin Pomo’s office.” Jaan let out a weak laugh. “His timing sucked. He appeared right in the middle of a private meeting between XXX and XXXX.”

Dason glanced at Jaan, surprised.

“Yeah, needless to say, Admin Pomo wasn’t too pleased. From that time on, your brother belonged to the government. Mica had me lie to you, to keep you out of their mess.”

The day’s events caught up with Dason. He felt the bile rise in his throat and threw up. When his stomach emptied, he wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. His brow rose as he looked at the mess. “A lot of good that did,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s what I said when they recruited me.” Jaan tossed Dason a towel. “Get yourself cleaned up. I have something to show you that may make this worth your while.”

Cool stuff, Sally...I wanna read it!!

6-10-09

My goal is to have a copy for critiquing posted to box.net sometime this weekend. Then, I'll get down to reading the rest of yours for feedback.

Sally, I know you're still making some changes, but the version I just read is fantastic. I especially liked it when the action started. It's also a great introduction to Jaan Corwyn's crew and I could see some great stories continuing with them in future projects.

I have to tell you, though: I think it gets wrapped up a little too neatly at the end. I think it would be a much more powerful story if Jaan told Dason they couldn't bring Jaela with them but woudn't say why, then Dason transported to her to save her anyway, had the fight with the guard, and then she was turning into a monster and attacked him.

Of course, that's just my opinion, but it seemed like you're setting the story up for that and then it didn't pay off.

Great job!

-CV

Aw, Chris, you don't like happy endings? lol

Hmm, Jaela a monster? Wow, I'd have to think about that. So it wasn't enough that Kellen died?

I do have a question for Eugene (I think ... the mastermind of the virus). Does it make some people crazy and affect others differently? Would it be possible for her to adapt, but still carry the virus? That way, they'd have to leave her. But she'd look pretty normal, or at least not be rabid, but slowly change.

My edits are up to the point where the rescue is made. And I did want to step up the tension. I've written several drafts, but wanted more out of it. If I did make her a carrier, and Dason released her, then Dason and Jaan would be exposed. That would be the end of my characters!! But if Dason had to leave her ... wow, would he carry some serious guilt! And, he would have major incentive to get whoever was behind that virus.

Any thoughts?

I don't mind happy endings, but your story didn't seem like it was heading for one. I guess when I said Jaela should attack him, I was thinking more along the lines of him being on the other side of the glass so he wasn't exposed. And I didn't mean "monster" literally.

I do think it would be better for the story and the future of the character, though. Anyone else feel that way, or am I off my rocker?

I just wrote the left behind scene. It flowed and I like it (too bad for Jaela).

There are two more short scenes to re-work with the new ending. I hope to have it posted tomorrow sometime, Tuesday at the latest. Then, it's on to critique mode.

Thanks for your patience. But now with school out, I feel like I'm finally getting something done. (Even though I had one wedding and two graduation parties to go to this weekend.)

I need your input. In naming the special unit Jaan Corwyn is with, I'm stuck between: The Mars Special Corps and Mars Praetorian Guard. While I like the Roman flair, I don't want it to be carbon copy of the ancient Secret Service. They protect the planet of Mars, not a singular person.

The Mars G10 Ninjas was on my list, but I didn't want mess with lawsuits.

So what do you think?

I like "Mars Praetorian Guard."

I read your latest draft, and I like the ending much better. Good job!

-CV