DGTrekkers (Don's) Story

Use this thread to critique DG's story once posted on box.net

Well I decided to go ahead and post my 1st draft, I was going to polish it a bit first then I decided that I had made too many changes that I latter regreted last time, so I thought I'd better post in ins raw form first.

http://www.box.net/files#0:f:18873877

I loved your story. It had a depth and purpose that was interesting. It had a wonderful rich feel to it and I had no problem getting into the moment.

The middle could be a bit longer with a more defined explaination of the key, so that the ending and why the man (Tony) would be going on his adventures has more of a punch.

Other than that and a few typos ( which mine had as well, I just got through going into Box.net and editing it once again) it was beautiful work.

DG,

Here's my two cents ...

I thought the beginning of the story was really strong -- the descriptors really painted the bleakness of the moment, and the way you described the tavern contrasted really well with it.

I also liked the middle part, but I thought it bogged down because you used so many words to describe all the tavern visitors without explicitly naming them. For me that made it a bit convoluted and confusing. Did you specifically not want to name the characters? I might consider it.

Another point, DG, is that I, Trib, think that you, DG, shouldn't have your characters call each other by their names so much, DG, as Trib finds it distracting, DG. Sayeth Trib. ;-)

The only other thing that stood out for me specifically was that you named the bartender Mike. There was a movie in the '80s called Mr. Destiny, where a mysterious bartender named Mike who worked at a bar called the Universal Joint allowed Jim Belushi's character to see what his life would have been like if things had turned out differently. It just immediately made me thing of that. But that might just be me.

I do not want to name the characters because of copyright issues, I'm implying who they MIGHT be, without using a copyrighted character's name, so I will either have to figure a better way of doing that or drop the story because using the names is not an option. I considered retelling this first person and having Tony think the the characters as "gold shirt" or the "kid" and him making up names as the characters appear and the story progresses.

As for Mike, thtas my brothers name, never saw the movie that you are refering to but if it is confusing or making it seem like another story it can be changed easily enough.

I'm not sure if anyone besides myself ever even saw that film, so if you like Mike, you should keep it.

I forgot about the copyright issues. Maybe it'll be clearer if you have the groups come in one at a time and establish who they are in a wink-wink fashion before bringing in another group.

Hmm that could work...

My critique:

"Crossroads" story made me giggle (at first because I thought it might be a screenplay starring Britney Spears...hee hee hee...)! I thought that the story was surprising, and I didn't know what was going to happen next, which is always a big plus for me. The idea was novel, and the main character well-developed.

I have to say that I too found the introduction of all the fictional characters confusing. I think I agree that they need to be introduced differently. I think perhaps if you add more description it might be easier to know exactly who is who (especially for non-hardcore fans)...maybe more description of their body features, or their demeanors, and not just what they are wearing. This section def. needs some tweaking.

Also, I think your paragraphs might be too short in some places (first page, for example). I think all your description is great, and really paints a picture...I would just mix in some longer paragraphs.

Overall, this was a good read and a great base...I really think you can build on this story. I think you should beef it up some...maybe tell us more of what Tony does in his evening helping out at the bar (this might be hokey, but you could even do a time clock piece....10:34 pm: 12:15 am:, etc. Just a suggestion, you don't have to worry about it if you don't like it). I think there is just such a great story here that you need to add more. Give the reader more to soak in. Really a great job!

BTW...who HASN'T seen Mr. Destiny?

Appearently me.

...(TDC puts up her hestitantly...)

...and ME!

I haven't seen it either.

DG, there is a lot of fun stuff going on in here! I really like the setting and the weirdness of it all. I was taking mental notes as I went along and had made a note to mention Princess Bride before I realized where you were going with everything.

It would be cool if you had a little more explanation than just that some people's fiction is others' reality (not sure if those were the exact words) but explaining it a bit more thoroughly. As the reader, I'm fascinated by what's going on and wondering how it's all possible and what the implications are on a grander scale.

The descriptiveness is very cool -- I could totally picture various elements of the location and the people. I wondered what time the "present" was for the protagonist, even though it won't matter for long.

Definitely needs a copy-edit, a bunch of stuff spellcheck didn't catch, but overall very interesting! (Oh, and I like Shran's idea of a time-check to refocus the reader...) Way fun.

-moon

I liked it, but I agree with all the suggestions above. More description of the characters since you can't use names, maybe some more familiar phrases. There've been a few other bars at the crossroads stories before, such as the one where the comic book character Grimjack hangs out in Cynosure, but I didn't see anything too similar. I think if you just flesh it out a little, it will be great!

I'm going to echo some of the comments and suggestions that were already made. The descriptions of the bar when Tony first arrives are great. I think if you applied the same kind of descriptions to the characters there would be less confusion of who they are.

Also, I think you should show the transition of Tony being out of place as a server to Tony fitting in so well that that he doesn't want to leave. Show him smiling, palling around with the patrons, and having an all-together good time. Show the reader what makes this bar life so appealing to Tony. Contrast it with the shortcomings of his real life. Maybe show how he's appreciated at the bar. Maybe show him getting the attention of a fictional female patron (and maybe have him compete with Kirk for her affections - Amok Time-style! - or maybe a pick-up line competition).

Here's a crazy thought ... What if characters from the other short stories show up at the bar? Nothing that drives the plot, but something that would make the reader think, "Oh, yeah. I remember that guy from the other story."

This could be the final chapter and just have a few cameos from the other characters that would lead Tony to re-evaluate his life and yearn for a life of adventure.

esr960 wrote:

Here's a crazy thought ... What if characters from the other short stories show up at the bar? Nothing that drives the plot, but something that would make the reader think, "Oh, yeah. I remember that guy from the other story."

This could be the final chapter and just have a few cameos from the other characters that would lead Tony to re-evaluate his life and yearn for a life of adventure.

OMG that would be frickin' awesome...just give them their own table...

I love that!! That would be so very cool! Can you do that DG? Would you?
What a clever way to end the book!!

Give me character names you want in and I'll see if I can work that in...

Eye!

You'd have to read each of our completed stories here, then choose the characters you would like to include in your plot line. Instead of all the copyrighted characters you now have coming to the bar...it could be the characters from our "Key" stories instead...you choose!

Sounds like an awesome way to finish off the book of the keys by G10!!

Just got through reading the third draft and I loved it even more!

The ref to us is wonderful and made me smile. It was just enough for us to know and still fit into the story line so anyone reading it would see it fits! Good job and fun to note!

Besides several typo's that Trib will undoubtably catch, unless you re-read it and fix them for him before November, this was much more enjoyable. I had no problem identifying the characters in the Inn and they were spread out and identified in such a way any Sci-Fi reader will know who they are.

I only have one more suggestion and I believe it will add even more depth to the ending...

Have each group or one outstanding Character in a group, say "Spock" in the ST group, and say "The Spaniard" in The Princess Bride group, etc., say something to Tony about life, give him a "Key" wisdom to take with him on his final Adventure to learning about the Keys to life or the universe. Have Tony refelect on each Key-Wisdom he has acquired as he sets off on his journey in the end.

Hope the plot bunnies are jumpin' by the time you get back from your weekend!!

Love, TDC

DG, I really like your re-write. The story feels more fully formed. And the characters at the Crossroads seem more identifiable.

I think you need to have Tony protest more after Myke rejects his request to help at the bar. We need to hear Tony's reasoning for wanting to leave his former life in order for Myke to give his own reason why Tony isn't ready. I think that's the main emotional/narrative beat that's missing.

Otherwise, Tony's arc feels much better as he becomes more and more comfortable with his new surroundings. I still think you need to show Tony enjoying himself more and the patrons warming up to him. Make him feel at home at the Crossroads. Give him a reason to leave his old life.

Overall, good job!

DG,

FINALLY got around to reading the rewrite ... I thought it was better and tighter, and I had a glass of Steve's Finest Bordeaux to celebrate. ;-)

Two things jump out at me:

1. The description of the encounter with Worf feels awkward. Obviously it would be a lot easier if you could just call him by name, but since you can't, I don't really know what could be done to make the scene a little less clunky.

2. I must have a mild case of stupid, but I can't figure out who the green scaly guy is.