Chris Valin's Story

Talk about Valin's story here

CV, here's my thoughts on your draft.

1. Marsers: I like that. I'd toyed with the idea of what to call people living on Mars. I recall a conversation on Skype that "Martians" may not be what they call themselves in the future. I like Marsers ... but I'm wondering what everyone else thinks. I haven't committed to anything yet. I realize what others call them might not be what they call themselves. "Marsers" may be more derrogatory. WDYT?

2. Maybe it was me, but Janick's disrespect came off a little too transparent during his temple visit. It made his role as a liaison less believable.

3. Wow, reading the interaction between Janick and Alexa surprised me. I'd written a similar relationship between Dason and Jaela in my chapter - used to be together, but aren't now because of career choices. I thought about dropping mine, making it two sisters or something, since yours is already written. But I'm wondering now, what are your plans for them? I'd really like to know before I write any more. I really like my Dason and Jaela chemistry.

Thanks for the notes, Sally!

1. I wish I could take credit for "Marsers" because I like it a lot, too, but I took it straight from DG's prologue, where the pilots from the Eastern Alliance called the moon people that, thinking they're from Mars. I think DG did say it was supposed to be derogatory, though, so you probably shouldn't have the Mars people using it about themselves.

2. I'm glad the disrespect came across as transparent, because it was supposed to be. Janick was the last person they should have sent over there, which is why he was surprised about it. Later in the story, it will turn out that the government knew all along what would happen, and knew that sending Janick would actually make the High Priestess even more adament about doing things her way. That leads to the chaos, which allows the government to declare martial law, which they plan on keeping indefinitely.

3. Janick and Alexa won't be getting back together and living happily ever after, if that's what you're wondering. They are going to conspire to overthrow the High Priestess together, and there will be some romantic tension, but things are going to go bad in the end.

Thanks again!

You're welcome, Chris.

1. And thanks to DG for the "Marser" term. I guess people living on Mars could call themselves humans from Mars, like we refer to ourselves as humans from earth. I don't refer to myself as an earthling. Why should they call themselves Martians?

2. Good set up for Janick. He's got to hate that later.

3. Thanks for the spoiler on Janick and Alexa. I'll steer clear of any parallels.

On Box.net, I uploaded a chart of the Government of the Eastern Alliance as I had envisioned it (pending DG's approval), with my characters' positions shown. I'd like some feedback if anyone has any (especially DG). Thanks!

I think it looks good CV, if no one has any objections or modifcations I will add it to the sourcebook.

The new draft of my story is in the Second Drafts folder at box.net, along with a sketch of my main character in the Concept Art folder.

I like this a lot. I especially like that Alexa doesn't give a speech about using your main character to become the head priestess and all that. I can't think of any suggestions off the bat, but I'll post them if any come to mind.

Beautiful imagry and dialogue is fast and not at all wordy. It keeps pace with the expectations of what might happen on the night the moon returns and I love the High Priestess surprise at the finish. I didn't expect him to turn on her like that...nice touch.

Your art, as always, is great. I like the spider insignia...very foreboding...would love to see that one in color, with the spider black and the uniform in it's darks and grays!

So what's next?

Thanks, Eugene! By the way, did you read the latest version in the second drafts folder? The reason I'm asking is that, under "updates" on box.net, it says you downloaded the older one from the first drafts folder. The new one goes all the way to the end of the story, although it still needs to be fleshed out some.

TDC, thanks again for your notes! Next I'm going to add some more action with Czar and Alexa trying to get to the Temple during the riots. As for the artwork, is our book going to be in color? Or are you just talking about adding blacks and grays to fill it in?

cvalin wrote:

Thanks, Eugene! By the way, did you read the latest version in the second drafts folder? The reason I'm asking is that, under "updates" on box.net, it says you downloaded the older one from the first drafts folder. The new one goes all the way to the end of the story, although it still needs to be fleshed out some.

Crap. Did I read the wrong one? The version I read ended with the priest walking off the ship and your main character recognizing him from the statue. Is there more?

No, you had the right one. Good. I wonder why box.net said you downloaded the first draft? Weird.

Thanks!

Okay, I added more details/descriptions, fleshed the story out a little more, changed the name of the city to Davison City (both to accommodate elevating him to mythological status and to avoid confusion with the fact that we're referring to the ancient capital where they grabbed the book as the Capital City), and added a huge statue of Davison on top of the government building as well. I also changed the saboteur who returns at the end to a blonde, blue-eyed woman and made the appropriate changes to the first Temple scene to go along with that.

Anyone else have any notes so I can make changes before posting my third draft? I know it's only been on box.net for a month, so I hate to rush the rest of you guys...

Seriously. That was the fastest 19 pages I'd ever read. Very smooth, and the action was extremely fluid.

I'm not much of a detail man, so I dont have alot of notes.

-I like the use of E.A. instead of using Eastern Alliance all the time. However, could it be EA without the periods? I dont know why...the periods were distracting. And perhaps hypnotic...

-I truly love the mix of modern technology and ancient religion....gives earth an "etheral" feel (did I use that word right?) I felt like I was in a completely different world.

Dude, I got nothing else but good to say about this...although, I would like to know what Janicks drink of choice is!

I uploaded the second half of my story to Box.net as a separate chapter, entitled "Rise to Power."

"Rise to Power" is very tight, and I like the way you progress through Janick's thought processes. It has a detective-story feel to it.

If I can offer a minor suggestion, I would suggest changing the line "After we land?" which appears after "Selene" orders her soldier's to toss Janick off the ship. I think they should restrain him, maybe hand-cuff him in preparation to take him off the ship once they land. Then "Selene" yells, "Now!"

Thanks! That's a great suggestion. I'm happy to do anything that makes it less "on-the-nose."