Steve's story

Talk about Steve's story here

I left this comment on box.net, but I'll put it here as well:

I'm really enamored of this story. I love the way it reads (although the contractions still seem a bit out of place with the formality of their language). I'm really starting to be interested in the Prime character. I know you said it lost some steam, but the only part I think needs some work is the funeral where PM Wisdom talks to the masses. Once it goes into the part where the Prime is the protagonist, I feel like it picks up steam again.

I really like the style and tone and rhythm of this. If I may suggest a couple of things ...

First, I would suggest that you widen the focus of the story and introduce the PM Wisdom and her prime earlier. This would allow us to get to know the cast before we plunge into the murder. (But I'm not sure whether this would make the murder less jarring or not). I also think you can introduce the politics of Elpis (and the factions and their infighting) so we can get a richer idea of who the Elpins are and what's at stake.

I think also we should see the fire-power of the ship. It's cool and scary to have ORCAL mention it to the PM. But let's have the Primes take it out for a spin and test it on one of their nearby enemies (or a rebel faction) -- like the testing of the atom bomb. I want to see what Earth will be up against.

But overall, I love the world you created.

As ever, the G10 Ninja moves with stealth!

I really like this story and feel the speech patterns and the way they "move" within the idea of an Elpis World is wonderful. It should be "different" than what we are used to because THEY ARE aliens to us...therefore to the reader. I had no problem getting into "step" after I had read a paragraph or two.

Taking anything for a spin would be impossible, right? I may have missunderstood, bu t I took it that the ship was humoungous! Much MUCH too large for one Prime to handle for a TEST DRIVE! Or did you mean, Eugene, that they ALL take it for a drive out to TEST it's fire power on another unsuspecting planet?

Perhaps the Prime could ask for an assimulation from ORACAL and see it on the screen readout...just how monstrous and totally anyilating the ship would be in real time ! So that there would be no question that Earth, should they get there, is doomed!

thedreamcontinued wrote:

Perhaps the Prime could ask for an assimulation from ORACAL and see it on the screen readout...just how monstrous and totally anyilating the ship would be in real time ! So that there would be no question that Earth, should they get there, is doomed!

I'm not sure a simulation would work. That's like having a war between robots and clones. There's little at stake until you see real people (or in this case aliens) die. Have the Primes take out an entire world, let's call it Aldaraan, and show the reader just what the ship is capable of. Then you can have each of the main characters react to it, which in turn would create a larger divide between those who want to annihilate earth and those who think that such a genocide would be immoral.

I agree with Eugene, I think that would add a lot to the story.

But, Eugene, you wouldn't be insinuating the A New Hope is better than the prequels, would you?

cvalin wrote:

But, Eugene, you wouldn't be insinuating the A New Hope is better than the prequels, would you?

Heaven forbid!

One comment: The others'll have to watch their throats around these Elpins.

After this chapter's introduced, the combined tension will have risen enough to make the reader's skin crawl. Slash 'n dash ... your long lost ancestors are baaaack!

Slash and Dash! Your long lost ancestors are back!

I LOVE IT, Sally! We should put that as a tagline on the book cover!!!

...right then...they'll take it and blast another planet into oblivion then? Mua-ha-ha-ha!!

I love the new version, and it totally rocks.I think you made all the changes people brought up in their notes, so I don't have any more to say. I didn't feel like it moved too fast from finding the ship to taking off, myself.

As I said last night, I think it would be cool to divide it into two chapters, with one taking place halfway through the book and ending on a cliffhanger (such as PM Arkuta being killed by PM Wisdom) so the whole Elpis thing doesn't come out of nowhere at the end of the book.

Sorry to get to this draft so late ... Anyway, I want to say again, strong work. What I'd like to see more of is how Earth/Erth is perceived by the Elpin society/culture/religion. Basically, I want to know what makes the Elpins so eager to go to war against Earth. Is there a kind of paranoid fear of Earthlings (similar to the fear of Martians that Orson Wells exploited? or Communists spies of the Cold War?) Are Earthlings a kind of bogeyman that Elpins fear from childhood. And have certain PMs been playing on this cultural fear and paranoia leading up to the discovery of the Juggernaut?

Also, instead of having the Prime Mothers being addressed as "PM," would you consider having them addressed as "Mother so-and-so." It might make them sound like nuns, but I think it might work. (Using PM as a shortened form in the prose works just fine, like short hand for Prime Minister).

Wasn't there a sci-fi story or show...that comes to my memory, but I can't place what or where...that they used the word PRIUM as a sort of dignatary title? Perhaps PRIUM So-and-so would work here.

I like this newest version best of all. I know we're not in the copyediting stage yet, but I noticed a couple of things at the end: "the Elpin army gathered under the Warrior’s Arch near the center of Elpis Alpha to begin a parade that would take them to the beginning of their journey." You have "begin" and "beginning" in the same sentence.

Also, isn't the plural of staff "staves?" I'm pretty sure it is, but I don't know if that's changed recently.