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 DG's Story

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Whigworld
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Age : 52
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PostSubject: DG's Story   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:50 pm

Talk about DG's story here
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esr960

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PostSubject: Re: DG's Story   Sat May 30, 2009 4:20 pm

Very strong stuff here. I just want to discuss a few points in the forum.

1) Does the Mayflower disappear before the Moon disappears? I was hoping to have the two events happen around the same time.

2) Vonda's POV of the Davison administration is very strongly negative. I wonder if there's even a kernel of truth to her beliefs. If so, Sheri's main character, Nik, might have an unpleasant surprise if she ever finds the whole truth about Davison.

3) I think you can really politicize Harrison's appointment to governor. This could be a really good thing or a really bad thing depending on what side you're on.

4) I'd like you to get into the politics of the Moon situation more. What are the reasons for Davison to appoint a military Governor and what are the political implications? Who would oppose it and why? Why not offer the Moon folk a representative government that is elected? (And who and why would that be opposed?) I'd like to get a better understanding of RanoldiТs political stance and motivations.

5) I want to see more suspense when the drive fails. Build up the tension. Make things seem to go all right then have things devolve very quickly. Then ka-blooey! (Some parts right now feel a bit talky. Speed things up. Clip the dialogue. Make them panic. Make their reason and rationality a bit off. Have them make mistakes).

Overall, very cool. Everyone has to bring their A game to keep up with you!
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PostSubject: Re: DG's Story   Sun May 31, 2009 12:27 am

Interesting ideas, I am going to have to conetmplate everything yo have set forth...

However,

yes I think the Moon and the Mayflower will conincide, no problem.

There will be a lot more tension at the last half of this chapter I just was trying to get it posted and ran out of gas toward the end...

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PostSubject: Re: DG's Story   Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:43 pm

I believe that eventually Harrison and Nik must meet or touch as they both are wanting the book for different reasons...for Nik it is the tallisman that holds a secret to her heritage...for Harrison it holds the secrets as to the "what and why" the moon disappeared.
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PostSubject: Re: DG's Story   Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:47 pm

I'm starting to read through everyone's latest draft, beginning with yours, DG.

The draft is sharp, nothing blaring. You've put time into this baby.

At first pass, the beginning has some redundancy, describing the ruins, ruined stairs, etc. I may be off, since it was my initial reaction. By the time Harrison gets inside, the writing flows like milk and honey. I really felt like I was there.

Some of the later dialogue has a lot of Sirs in it. But that may stand out to me because I've been wondering how similar redundancies in my own chapter set with the reader. I'll probably pull out a few books and see how others have handled that.

The only other thing I noticed was the font. The Us looked like Vs. Times New Roman is easier to read.

Thanks for launching us!

alien The Mars Lady Wink

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PostSubject: Re: DG's Story   Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:15 pm

DG, this is great stuff, like everyone else said. My only comment is that there's a lot of on-the-nose exposition. I know it's necessary sometimes, especially where you're the introductory chapter, but anything that can be said in a roundabout way makes it better. Sometimes I go through and do a pass on my story with JUST that in mind, and see how much I can change to either cut dialogue in favor of action that shows the same thing (even if it's just with a look or an expression), or changing dialogue to say something not so straightforward, even if it's a sarcastic line.

Re: Vonda, I had thought you'd have a little more in there about her than I saw. We already talked about me adding more to my story about her escape. I'm trying to think about how to add more about it into my story without it being pure exposition (since it obviously happened in the past at that point). Any ideas?

Overall, great work!

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