Whig's

Talk about Whig's story here

Whig, this is a good intro--well written, as usual. I like when a story introduces characters at the beginning of a story, then suddenly they get wiped out and you find out it's not even about them. That's always a cool twist, and people don't expect a big twist like that so soon.

I did notice you switched POV from one character to the other, like Eugene was saying about TDC's story. Not that it can't be done, but it's usually better to stick with one character's POV within the confines of a chapter, or at least a section of a chapter, rather than bouncing back and forth.

I want to echo CV's sentiments -- good start, but be mindful of the POV changes. Stick with Rory and keep Katherine a mystery. I think it works better that way, especially from the reader's perspective -- we want to see Katherine through Rory's rose-tinted glasses.

Okay, boss, where are the results of the non-stop writing I heard tell about?

Obviously, Mr. Valin, I am practicing the age-old method of "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

Oh, you mean that saying that degrades one of the most honorable professions?

Yes, we teachers have our own saying about people who continue to repeat it...

By the way, the origins of the saying are unclear, but H.L. Mencken popularized it. And since you're a fan of his, maybe you'll enjoy some of his other pearls of wisdom...

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.

Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.

...the great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom respectable. No virtuous man--that is, virtuous in the Y.M.C.A. sense--has ever painted a picture worth looking at, or written a symphony worth hearing, or a book worth reading...

The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

A man full of faith is simply one who has lost (or never had) the capacity for clear and realistic thought. He is not a mere ass; he is actually ill. Worse, he is incurable.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. If such a board actually exists it operates precisely like the board of a corporation that is losing money.

Why assume so glibly that the God who presumably created the universe is still running it? It is certainly perfectly conceivable that He may have finished it and then turned it over to lesser gods to operate. In the same way many human institutions are turned over to grossly inferior men. This is true, for example, of most universities, and of all great newspapers.

The Christian church, in its attitude toward science, shows the mind of a more or less enlightened man of the Thirteenth Century. It no longer believes that the earth is flat, but it is still convinced that prayer can cure after medicine fails.

The theory seems to be that so long as a man is a failure he is one of God's chillun, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

So, Whig, you still think the man knew what he was talking about?

how in the world did a self-depricating remark about myself turn into a slam against the entire teaching profession? No offense, but I'd love a job that would give me three months vacation a year! In fact, I'd love a job!

Sorry, Whig, it wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at the quote. Now that you said that, I can see that my attempt at humor was probably misplaced.

But that quote does get under my skin, and I told myself the next time I heard it I was going to fire back with all guns. You just happened to be the one to say it.

Nothin' personal, man. I apologize for making it sound that way.

New quote:

Those who can, write. Those who can't, head a writing group!

Whig, I haven't gotten a chance to read your final first draft, but I read the previous version, and I dug it a lot. Can't wait to read the rest.

Whiggy! Your story is great...and I know what you mean about sitting there trying to get to an ending! Instead of tacking one on, though, I just keep writing and never seem to get to an ending point because my characters have so much left to do and say! Ha!

Take the orb, have Shane "heal" his sister while no one is looking, and go off into space with it sitting beside him to who know's where...then the final chapters may be able to take him and mix him in at the last moment...as the Elpins are fast approaching Earth.

I just read a neet little story on the net. There seems to be a Russian (ex) astronaut that claims he saw a UFO crash into a asteroid while in outer space that was on a collision course with earth. He claims it crashed into the humungous asteroid on purpose to save our planet. That might be a cool idea for Shane...to perhaps see the Elpins approaching, and to be able to contact Earth or Mars at the last minute and tell them they are "out there."

Chris,

I was watching a new show on the Science Channel called "Meteorite Men," and they were talking about the precious gems inside some meteorites. Expensive stuff (if they originated in space). And you know where you can find this stuff in abundance? The asteroid belt.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pallasite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olivine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peridot

Whig, I really enjoyed your story a lot. I kept thinking I knew where it was going, and it kept throwing me for a loop, which is great.

The only note I have is the same thing I said to DG. When we're introducing readers to a new world, I know we feel like we need a lot of exposition, but try to avoid it as much as possible, especially on-the-nose stuff. For example: "Shane is real smart...and a smart-ass, too!" I can't believe he's been going to this bar and talking to this woman for who-knows-how-long and she wouldn't already have heard this. Stick to having him tell her new stories about him that let us know how smart and resourceful he is without coming straight out and saying it. Same with the stuff about the Consortium and the families. If you put it in the description, that's fine, but when people talk about things they should already know, it sounds fake.

Overall, great job!

-CV

Noticed Whig's title:
Cold Vengeance
A Story of the Asteroid Mines


Wondered if each chapter could use similar heading to let the reader know where they are. Only maybe it could be streamlined as follows:


Cold Vengeance
Location: Asteroid Mines

Weightier Matters
Location: Mars