DG's Prologue

Talk about the prologue here

I love the new version. Each draft has gotten better. I don't have any more notes on the story itself, but I can't remember if I brought this up earlier: You do know that William Harrison is the name of one of our worst presidents ever, right? The guy got sick at his inauguration, laid in bed for a month, and became the first president to die in office (there's a fascinating story about the Curse of the Prophet that I don't believe a word of, but love telling). Anyway, just something to chew on; I don't think it matters too much, especially since most people don't even know about presidents like James Madison and Martin Van Buren.

Also, there are still a few typos that I know Trib will catch, but it might make his job easier if you can fix them: There are two places where is says "is" instead of "his," the words "fingernail" and "treetop" should be compound and not separated into two, and things like "four person" should be hyphenated.

Other than that, it looks great!

William Harrison is the main character I started with when I began this story in high school, so I'm pretty attched to it.

Thats the problem with spell checker, is is still spelled right even though it should be HIS...I don't want to make Tribs job TOO easy.

I had a question too. Can you give me any background on Lucas Davison? I am intending for Nik to be a distant relative that no one topside or not in the undergound knows about but the resistance and that's why she has given them so much hope.

I had at first intended for not even her to know she was a relative of Davison, but then decided if she knew it, that would give her the drive to bring back the Former way of government and give her people true hope in the cause as well. She being the beacon of hope for all of the resistance to fight for the former way of government and break the hold of the Church of Rachnaeans as well.

What do you think, DG?

Very strong writing here. I'll send you the minor notes I have -- grammar and stuff that Mr. Valin's already pointed out and a couple of other suggestions.

My big note is about the end again. I still think there's too much explanation. I think a lot of this stuff should be discovered and discussed by the crew and not laid out for the reader to find out instantly. If this were a daily journal then it wouldn't chronicle the several weeks that the first entry covers. I would uncover this stuff slowly over the course of the journal. Day One -- the moon disappears -- and just talk about that and the President's (and scientist's) reaction to it. End the entry with "... the changes may or may not lead to the end of civilization as we know it." And end the prologue there. Let Harrison and his crew find out about the other stuff later as they read the rest of the journal.

TDC- I hadn't really worked out a lot of the dteail on the President, because initally he wasn't going to be that big of a player in this story, but some of the details may come out more in chapter one. Did you want something specific?

EUGENE- I guess the thing about that is, I don't know excatly how much more of the journal will play out in this particular story because when they retrun to the Moon I assume we will be working on wrapping up all the stuff for the second part of the book. Also several people in this group suggested that I put more in than what is there, so I was trying to feild a happy medium, where you get the jisty of what happens without the total story, and I kind of looked at it as his summary of the book on the last page because he was leaving the book behind to be discovered and wasn't going to be writing it any more, which I guess could be clarified a bit more.

DG, I am very satisfied with prologue. Excellent work on combining everyone's suggestions and melding them with your vision.