| Whigworld's (Chris') story | |
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Whigworld Admin
Posts : 722 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 58 Location : Louisville
| Subject: Whigworld's (Chris') story Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:44 am | |
| Use this thread to critique Whig's story once posted on box.net | |
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Whigworld Admin
Posts : 722 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 58 Location : Louisville
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:05 pm | |
| Hi Guys!
Thank you for your patience with me on my story. I have a ton of excuses, but none of them will make up for my tardiness.
I hope you enjoy the story i uploaded, and i look forward to the critiques | |
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thedreamcontinued
Posts : 752 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 55 Location : The Land of Pigs and Corn
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:13 pm | |
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thedreamcontinued
Posts : 752 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 55 Location : The Land of Pigs and Corn
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:04 pm | |
| Great idea and a little tad nostalgic as was mentioned during the chat meeting last night. Accept for a couple of typos, I saw not much wrong gramatically. And the story was a lesson in becarefulwhatyouwishfor...!! I would add a bit more to the mid sections where our hero is actually getting what he wants. I felt rushed through these parts and because they are a lesson in wanting more and really not needing it, if I as the reader were more invovlved in how it actually felt to have these things of the world, I believe it would make the ending that much stronger. Again, Whiggy, you have captured my attention and my emotions with this story of want vs need. | |
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Shranman
Posts : 150 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 44 Location : Emerald City
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:05 pm | |
| My critique: Well, Whigster, I have to hand it to you, you really have a talent at writing comedy. The first bit, with Stanley in a rage and Gloria trying to comfort him was fantastic. That was definitely the strong point of the story. Your humor is always enjoyable. I liked your story. It was well written and moved very quickly. I think you might have a case of "comma craziness," but that is common (I myself suffer from an occasional bout, now and again). And on the first page, the fragment that begins, "Half fear...and half..." I think was a bit confusing. I would tweak that. Otherwise, it was well-written. I do agree that the alternate futures and the ending seemed a bit rushed. I think you should have fleshed out the futures a bit more...you told us what he got - money, things, girls and such, but you really didn't tell us how he felt about them...was he always happy? Was everything perfect afterward? I think you lost a bit of Stanley's spunky personality at that point. The same goes for the ending...I think it's a killer ending, I just think you should flesh it out more. I love when stories end with the hero not getting what he wants. Or in this case, getting exactly what he wants, and then losing it all. So yeah, just flesh out and tweak it here and there. And don't lose the humor that was so prevelant at the beginning. The story can still be serious and bittersweet without losing the funny. I think you did a great job and look forward to reading the next draft! And hey, you did it! | |
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esr960
Posts : 429 Join date : 2008-07-24 Location : Windy City
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:32 pm | |
| Whig, I liked your story a lot. It was a fun read.
What do you think if the story ends with Stan getting a letter inviting him to the reading of his uncle's will? Flesh out the end with Stan's new regrets. "I wish I had done this, or I wish I had done that." Then when he gets the letter, the reader knows he's not going to say "I wish I never won the lottery."
I don't know ...
Maybe just leave it with him getting the letter.
Or not.
Just a suggestion. | |
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cvalin
Posts : 240 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 56 Location : Near Los Angeles
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:18 am | |
| Whig, I've been trying to read yours and Eugene's stories, but for some reason they're downloadingas .php files and I can't open them up. Any idea what's going on? | |
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esr960
Posts : 429 Join date : 2008-07-24 Location : Windy City
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:17 pm | |
| Chris,
I'll send you our stories via email.
Eugene | |
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cvalin
Posts : 240 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 56 Location : Near Los Angeles
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:14 pm | |
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cvalin
Posts : 240 Join date : 2008-07-24 Age : 56 Location : Near Los Angeles
| Subject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:47 pm | |
| Whig, I liked your story a lot. I agree with the others that the alternate realities could use some fleshing out, but other than that, I think it's great the way it is. Good job! | |
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| Whigworld's (Chris') story | |
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