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 Whigworld's (Chris') story

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Whigworld
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PostSubject: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:44 am

Use this thread to critique Whig's story once posted on box.net
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Whigworld
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:05 pm

Hi Guys!

Thank you for your patience with me on my story. I have a ton of excuses, but none of them will make up for my tardiness.

I hope you enjoy the story i uploaded, and i look forward to the critiques
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:13 pm

Question Razz For some reason I can't get it to upload on i-paper...I am going to try again right now...it is almost time for the meeting and I am little miss tardy-pants now!!

Suspect Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:04 pm

study Great idea and a little tad nostalgic as was mentioned during the chat meeting last night.

Accept for a couple of typos, I saw not much wrong gramatically. And the story was a lesson in becarefulwhatyouwishfor...!!

I would add a bit more to the mid sections where our hero is actually getting what he wants. I felt rushed through these parts and because they are a lesson in wanting more and really not needing it, if I as the reader were more invovlved in how it actually felt to have these things of the world, I believe it would make the ending that much stronger.

Again, Whiggy, you have captured my attention and my emotions with this story of want vs need.

flower
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Mon Oct 20, 2008 8:05 pm

My critique:

Well, Whigster, I have to hand it to you, you really have a talent at writing comedy. The first bit, with Stanley in a rage and Gloria trying to comfort him was fantastic. That was definitely the strong point of the story. Your humor is always enjoyable.

I liked your story. It was well written and moved very quickly. I think you might have a case of "comma craziness," but that is common (I myself suffer from an occasional bout, now and again). And on the first page, the fragment that begins, "Half fear...and half..." I think was a bit confusing. I would tweak that. Otherwise, it was well-written.

I do agree that the alternate futures and the ending seemed a bit rushed. I think you should have fleshed out the futures a bit more...you told us what he got - money, things, girls and such, but you really didn't tell us how he felt about them...was he always happy? Was everything perfect afterward? I think you lost a bit of Stanley's spunky personality at that point. The same goes for the ending...I think it's a killer ending, I just think you should flesh it out more. I love when stories end with the hero not getting what he wants. Or in this case, getting exactly what he wants, and then losing it all.

So yeah, just flesh out and tweak it here and there. And don't lose the humor that was so prevelant at the beginning. The story can still be serious and bittersweet without losing the funny. I think you did a great job and look forward to reading the next draft! And hey, you did it! Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Thu Oct 23, 2008 11:32 pm

Whig, I liked your story a lot. It was a fun read.

What do you think if the story ends with Stan getting a letter inviting him to the reading of his uncle's will? Flesh out the end with Stan's new regrets. "I wish I had done this, or I wish I had done that." Then when he gets the letter, the reader knows he's not going to say "I wish I never won the lottery."

I don't know ...

Maybe just leave it with him getting the letter.

Or not.

Just a suggestion.
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:18 am

Whig, I've been trying to read yours and Eugene's stories, but for some reason they're downloadingas .php files and I can't open them up. Any idea what's going on?

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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:17 pm

Chris,

I'll send you our stories via email.

Eugene
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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:14 pm

Got 'em. Thanks, Eugene!

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PostSubject: Re: Whigworld's (Chris') story   Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:47 pm

Whig, I liked your story a lot. I agree with the others that the alternate realities could use some fleshing out, but other than that, I think it's great the way it is. Good job!

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