Leila's Story

Theres nothing that says you can't do both. You can wrap it up as a short story and then go back and expand it into a full length novel later.

dgtrekker wrote:

Theres nothing that says you can't do both. You can wrap it up as a short story and then go back and expand it into a full length novel later.

I agree. Don't expand the timeline of your story beyond what you already have. Keep it confined to Lucien's discovery of his power, his training by Asmoday, and his betrayal of Triton. There's your 3-act structure right there. Just flesh out the relationships, the rules, and a couple of the scenes ... and then you're done.

Leila, I know this is a hard thing to do. Changing a story you had a lot of faith in as well as time limits here, and add to that you are dealing with college and it all seems sometimes too much.

But I agree with Eugene and DG...you can change a few names tighten up the story into the three acts Eugene has set forth for you, then leave it just at the point where your character is finding his path. That will leave you a wonderful opportunity to continue later with a full novel based on what you have started here. It also will give you a wonderful chance to have our readers become familiar with your characters, so that when you do make this into a full novel, they will have a place from which to start and will be more likely to purchase the book.

My advice is to stay clear of any Christian references, not just so that you don't confuse the readership, but also as this book is coming out in time for Christmas, so many people will be on "Holiday Auto-Pilot" about the story lines as they will be thinking about Christmas more intently at that time of year.

Keep the visitors down to two or perhaps increase them to four, don't use three. Take away calling them Magi and instead call them your original names of Magus or whatever, I can't scroll down far enough to see how to spell it, sorry.

Also, top priority will be to name the Daemon associated with Lucien ANYTHING BUT Lucifer...period. It is just not gonna sit right with a lot of the readers, Christian or not...and like Teach said, it could be way confussing for anyone of any faith.

Here are just a few names that you could use and still sound elequent:

Appollyon
Azael
Damas
Exalta
Lexus
Luthor
Namaan
Sapphon
Uriel

Just to name a few after I did a search for angel or spirit names.

Good luck!

I like Uriel ... but here are a few links to a bunch of names associated with light:

http://www.20000-names.com/light_names.htm
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/search/1/light
http://www.yeahbaby.com/meaning-of-names.php?id=light&page=all-2

(I'm also of the opinion of changing Lucifer's name for the reasons already mentioned by the others).

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Keep the visitors down to two or perhaps increase them to four, don't use three. Take away calling them Magi and instead call them your original names of Magus or whatever, I can't scroll down far enough to see how to spell it, sorry.

Just to clarify: Magi is the Latin nominative plural of Magus. So Magus/Magi are the same words, one is just plural. And if you want the Latin definition of Magus:
1. a learned man (such as the Three Wise Men in the Bible)
2. a magician (which is more what you're going for here)

I think it's ok to have themes that are common to Christianity and to the Occult...there is so much overlap anyway, I don't understand why you have to change the names, etc. So what if Christians make comparisons...they tend to do that with everything anyway (hee hee hee..no offense, Jesus is my homeboy too (but so is Buddha and Krishna and everyone else out there! ). And much of this Judeo-Christian stuff was cribbed from other religions/festivals/etc., so in the end it all kind of blends together. So a Christian connection could actually enhance your story for some, or your readers could just not make the connection. But if you want to make sure there is no crossover, you can change names. There are tons of good Latin names out there, if you want to keep a Latin feel. Just do a google search on Roman Names.

I don't mind the Christian associations either. The Magi didn't bring up images of the 3 wise men for me. However, the name "Lucifer" is so loaded that it's impossible not to bring in the baggage that comes with the name. I mean, there's a reason the name Hitler is not in use anymore.

My second draft (name change to Light of Dawn) is uploaded! It probably still needs some work, but it's hopefully better than the first one.

There ya go! You did it! Much fuller and richer than your first draft. Except for a couple places, it is really well done and much more original in story line.

Page 8 has the word flash or it's type twice. Not to sound repetative, perhaps you could change it a tad to:

"..began playing through Lucien's mind."

Page 9 also has the word or a form of force twice. To keep from sounding repetative here, perhaps you could change this a tad also:

"...suddenly hurled back by an unseen force..."

Do you think the key should be mentioned again at the end...?...I am not sure, but you certainly left this as a cliff hanger...it would be a snap to keep writing this into a wonderful fantasy story...a book in the making!

Good job!

Leila, your 2nd draft is fantastic! You did a great job incorporating the notes you received and adding more dimension to the characters and scenes. There is just one last thing I think you need to expand upon: the fortune stones. This is what I wrote in my notes for you:

Quote :

I think you need to establish the rules more here [re: the fortune stones]. I gather that Lucien makes a wish (or makes a statement) while throwing the stones. Because the black spot only turned up once (when his father died), everything he has wished for (or stated) in the past never came true. But you also mention that there have been coincidences linked to the outcome of the stone’s throw. This leads me to believe that the black spot must have turned up more than once. Clarify this a bit. Maybe use small examples, stuff that could be seen as coincidental. Like when he wished that a bully fall into a lake and he did (and the black dot appeared). But then he wished for a girl to kiss him (and black spot landed face down) and the girl slapped him instead. (I know Lucien has never met anyone outside of his family, but I just wanted to give you some examples).

Thank you!

I think I managed to make the fortune stones much more complicated than there is room in a short story to explain. The fact that the black dot on the burgundy stone has only been up twice does not mean that only twice did Lucien affect the world around him. They other stones are also part of it, but the burgundy stone is both his favorite (as stated in the story) and also happens to be the most powerful (for him), able to more completely alter reality. The other stones...actually, yeah, I'm going to stop explaining now and try to think of how to get this into the story... *thinks*

Just read your third draft and it is much better. I really REALLY liked this ending and consider it a keeper. It helps make your story a stand alone as well as giving it the option to be continued.

You have worked hard and it shows!

thedreamcontinued wrote:

Just read your third draft and it is much better. I really REALLY liked this ending and consider it a keeper. It helps make your story a stand alone as well as giving it the option to be continued.

You have worked hard and it shows!

Thank you!

I too enjoyed the improvements of your revision. I think this book could easily go into a novel. It seems like it should keep going. But I think you've done a decent job of making it into a short story. Nicely done. I don't really have an constructive comments, because it seems pretty well-written and polished. Good job!

I have my final draft done, except for one thing - the fortune stones. I'm having trouble properly describing them and incorporating them into the story without making it obvious exposition, and in all honestly the only stone that is specifically important to this short story is the one described.

I apologize for not having it uploaded yet - I am done, really, just not with this little detail...

I don't mind the exposition that would explain the stones. It would add depth to the power of the stones and add a point of comparison for the most powerful stone of the bunch.

Just give examples of the little things that the stones have influenced. Maybe a raccoon gets loose in the house because one of the stones opened a door. Or one of the stones sets a small fire in the kitchen. Or a stone slammed a door when Lucian was angry. Then show what the important one does with the death of Lucien's father.

Just read your final draft and have nothing but wonderful things to say about it.

I believe the stones are explained well enough that the reader will "get it." I also have always thought this story is gonna be a great one to continue. When we get the G10 site up and running, it will be a wonderful option for you to promote it, if you wish, and get people to continue reading about your character, Lucien, and see where his life circumstances will lead him and others in his wake!

Excellent piece of writing, Leila! Great job!

I am proud to be writing with you.

Just read your intro, Leila. It is perfect! Good job.

As we get ever closer to finalization it is evident that you are such a wonderful writer and it makes me feel great to be in the same book with your work!