Thanks! That's a great suggestion. I'm happy to do anything that makes it less "on-the-nose."

"Rise to Power" is very tight, and I like the way you progress through Janick's thought processes. It has a detective-story feel to it.

If I can offer a minor suggestion, I would suggest changing the line "After we land?" which appears after "Selene" orders her soldier's to toss Janick off the ship. I think they should restrain him, maybe hand-cuff him in preparation to take him off the ship once they land. Then "Selene" yells, "Now!"

I uploaded the second half of my story to Box.net as a separate chapter, entitled "Rise to Power."

Seriously. That was the fastest 19 pages I'd ever read. Very smooth, and the action was extremely fluid.

I'm not much of a detail man, so I dont have alot of notes.

-I like the use of E.A. instead of using Eastern Alliance all the time. However, could it be EA without the periods? I dont know why...the periods were distracting. And perhaps hypnotic...

-I truly love the mix of modern technology and ancient religion....gives earth an "etheral" feel (did I use that word right?) I felt like I was in a completely different world.

Dude, I got nothing else but good to say about this...although, I would like to know what Janicks drink of choice is!

Okay, I added more details/descriptions, fleshed the story out a little more, changed the name of the city to Davison City (both to accommodate elevating him to mythological status and to avoid confusion with the fact that we're referring to the ancient capital where they grabbed the book as the Capital City), and added a huge statue of Davison on top of the government building as well. I also changed the saboteur who returns at the end to a blonde, blue-eyed woman and made the appropriate changes to the first Temple scene to go along with that.

Anyone else have any notes so I can make changes before posting my third draft? I know it's only been on box.net for a month, so I hate to rush the rest of you guys...