Noticed Whig's title:
Cold Vengeance
A Story of the Asteroid Mines


Wondered if each chapter could use similar heading to let the reader know where they are. Only maybe it could be streamlined as follows:


Cold Vengeance
Location: Asteroid Mines

Weightier Matters
Location: Mars

Whig, I really enjoyed your story a lot. I kept thinking I knew where it was going, and it kept throwing me for a loop, which is great.

The only note I have is the same thing I said to DG. When we're introducing readers to a new world, I know we feel like we need a lot of exposition, but try to avoid it as much as possible, especially on-the-nose stuff. For example: "Shane is real smart...and a smart-ass, too!" I can't believe he's been going to this bar and talking to this woman for who-knows-how-long and she wouldn't already have heard this. Stick to having him tell her new stories about him that let us know how smart and resourceful he is without coming straight out and saying it. Same with the stuff about the Consortium and the families. If you put it in the description, that's fine, but when people talk about things they should already know, it sounds fake.

Overall, great job!

-CV

Chris,

I was watching a new show on the Science Channel called "Meteorite Men," and they were talking about the precious gems inside some meteorites. Expensive stuff (if they originated in space). And you know where you can find this stuff in abundance? The asteroid belt.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pallasite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olivine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peridot

Whiggy! Your story is great...and I know what you mean about sitting there trying to get to an ending! Instead of tacking one on, though, I just keep writing and never seem to get to an ending point because my characters have so much left to do and say! Ha!

Take the orb, have Shane "heal" his sister while no one is looking, and go off into space with it sitting beside him to who know's where...then the final chapters may be able to take him and mix him in at the last moment...as the Elpins are fast approaching Earth.

I just read a neet little story on the net. There seems to be a Russian (ex) astronaut that claims he saw a UFO crash into a asteroid while in outer space that was on a collision course with earth. He claims it crashed into the humungous asteroid on purpose to save our planet. That might be a cool idea for Shane...to perhaps see the Elpins approaching, and to be able to contact Earth or Mars at the last minute and tell them they are "out there."

Whig, I haven't gotten a chance to read your final first draft, but I read the previous version, and I dug it a lot. Can't wait to read the rest.