BTW, I couldn't help playing around with a possible continuation. Eugene mentioned his curiosity about how Dason's story plays into the political scene. I imagine Admins that send Dason know what's on the ship now (due to being informed). They send Dason and a few others as expendable. But, Jaan is following the event from a different angle. That means that the Admins that sent Dason think they are acting in the best interest of Mars, but aren't being out front about how their handling things.

Here's a scene for future writing:

LATER STORY TID-BIT

DASON DISCOVERS HIS BROTHER IS STILL ALIVE

After a physically taxing mission, Dason returns with more information than he bargained.

Mica’s alive. Dason was in shock when he saw him on a special ops mission. It almost blew his cover, but Mica pushed him on the transporter with the hardware (or item he was sent to secure ... maybe to recapture the VIALS!!) and sent him away before the others arrived.

Shock turns to anger when he arrives in the Gaius transport room. He gives the item in his arms to a guard, swaggers off the pad and punches Jaan.

Jaan’s men jump on him and pin him down.

“You knew!” Dason said through a hoarse throat.

Jaan wiped the blood from his mouth and signaled for his men to let Dason go and leave.

They pushed him to his knees and left.

Panting from the struggle, Dason rasped, “You knew all along. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Certain they were alone, he relaxed his front. “I couldn’t. And he didn’t want me to either.”

“You’re lying.”

“No. Remember that science project he built? It succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. The first trans-spatial transport of its kind. To make a statement, he showed up at Syrtis Major, right in Admin Pomo’s office.” Jaan let out a weak laugh. “His timing sucked. He appeared right in the middle of a private meeting between XXX and XXXX.”

Dason glanced at Jaan, surprised.

“Yeah, needless to say, Admin Pomo wasn’t too pleased. From that time on, your brother belonged to the government. Mica had me lie to you, to keep you out of their mess.”

The day’s events caught up with Dason. He felt the bile rise in his throat and threw up. When his stomach emptied, he wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. His brow rose as he looked at the mess. “A lot of good that did,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s what I said when they recruited me.” Jaan tossed Dason a towel. “Get yourself cleaned up. I have something to show you that may make this worth your while.”

Cool stuff, Sally...I wanna read it!!

6-10-09

My goal is to have a copy for critiquing posted to box.net sometime this weekend. Then, I'll get down to reading the rest of yours for feedback.

Sally, I know you're still making some changes, but the version I just read is fantastic. I especially liked it when the action started. It's also a great introduction to Jaan Corwyn's crew and I could see some great stories continuing with them in future projects.

I have to tell you, though: I think it gets wrapped up a little too neatly at the end. I think it would be a much more powerful story if Jaan told Dason they couldn't bring Jaela with them but woudn't say why, then Dason transported to her to save her anyway, had the fight with the guard, and then she was turning into a monster and attacked him.

Of course, that's just my opinion, but it seemed like you're setting the story up for that and then it didn't pay off.

Great job!

-CV

Aw, Chris, you don't like happy endings? lol

Hmm, Jaela a monster? Wow, I'd have to think about that. So it wasn't enough that Kellen died?

I do have a question for Eugene (I think ... the mastermind of the virus). Does it make some people crazy and affect others differently? Would it be possible for her to adapt, but still carry the virus? That way, they'd have to leave her. But she'd look pretty normal, or at least not be rabid, but slowly change.

My edits are up to the point where the rescue is made. And I did want to step up the tension. I've written several drafts, but wanted more out of it. If I did make her a carrier, and Dason released her, then Dason and Jaan would be exposed. That would be the end of my characters!! But if Dason had to leave her ... wow, would he carry some serious guilt! And, he would have major incentive to get whoever was behind that virus.

Any thoughts?

I don't mind happy endings, but your story didn't seem like it was heading for one. I guess when I said Jaela should attack him, I was thinking more along the lines of him being on the other side of the glass so he wasn't exposed. And I didn't mean "monster" literally.

I do think it would be better for the story and the future of the character, though. Anyone else feel that way, or am I off my rocker?

I just wrote the left behind scene. It flowed and I like it (too bad for Jaela).

There are two more short scenes to re-work with the new ending. I hope to have it posted tomorrow sometime, Tuesday at the latest. Then, it's on to critique mode.

Thanks for your patience. But now with school out, I feel like I'm finally getting something done. (Even though I had one wedding and two graduation parties to go to this weekend.)

I need your input. In naming the special unit Jaan Corwyn is with, I'm stuck between: The Mars Special Corps and Mars Praetorian Guard. While I like the Roman flair, I don't want it to be carbon copy of the ancient Secret Service. They protect the planet of Mars, not a singular person.

The Mars G10 Ninjas was on my list, but I didn't want mess with lawsuits.

So what do you think?

I like "Mars Praetorian Guard."

I read your latest draft, and I like the ending much better. Good job!

-CV